On Language

So far I’ve referenced ethical non-monogamy (ENM), polyamory, and swinging in this blog, and we’re only three posts deep including this one. So let’s refine some terminology as it will be used here. I’m not trying to make rules for everyone – these are for context as you read my works only. 

Polyamory: multiple romantic relationships, which I will almost exclusively use to mean non-hierarchical multiple relationships for reasons I’ll get into in another post. 

Swinging: having sex with different people, often in a low or no-repeat situation, but largely an activity done with the primary partner and often in the same room. 

Ethical non-monogamy: umbrella term covering electing, proactively, with your partner(s) to engage in sexual or romantic relationships with other people, with full, non-coercive consent from them.

And I haven’t used it yet, but included in the umbrella is Open relationship: having sex with other people that may or may not involve emotional attachment, largely undertaken separately from the primary relationship. 

I wrote on my Twitter account recently that I wish we had a scale for ENM like we do for the Kinsey scale. Like ENM 1 is swinging only, no repeats – bed notching. ENM 10 is non-hierarchical kitchen table polyamory – everyone is an equal member in all the relationships, even if the particular person-to-person dynamic is non-sexual. Someone who I’ve come to think of as a friend, despite the fact that we’ve never met in real life, mentioned that they use the term “relationship anarchy,” because it encompasses all of that. 

And they’re right. But, in my opinion, that’s not any more of a clarification on the particular type of ethical non-monogamy – or relationship anarchy – than the original ENM umbrella term. Language is used to mean things. Sometimes labels are sloppy and they don’t fit just right, but they help us understand the world around us. I am bisexual. For me, what that means is that I am gender agnostic, if you will. I don’t much care about the gender presentation or sex organs a person has as distinguishing features – I can be turned on by the right person in any body with any presentation. For other people it might encompass different presentations. But for all of us – universally – bisexual conveys that we are interested in people of the same gender and of other genders. Language means things. 

So here, when I’m talking about swinging, I’m largely talking about one-night-stands or infrequent repeats, primarily physical in nature, undertaken with the primary partner as a participant. When I’m talking about polyamory, I’m largely talking about non-hierarchical kitchen table polyamory. And when I’m talking about ENM, it’s because that’s how my husband and I view what we’re doing and what we want.