I cannot tell you how very much I hate the word “compersion.” Not the idea, just the word. The idea of compersion is the joy you feel for someone else’s joy, particularly in the context of ENM.
I remember the first time I felt compersion in an identifiable l way. My ex-husband was being seriously pursued by a woman and he was lighting up at their conversations. I remember feeling almost out of my body, watching myself be happy for him instead of jealous, and having a lightbulb moment that 1) so THIS is compersion, and 2) okay, maybe I really am suited for ENM.
I had more of that recently, watching my current husband grin to himself while talking with a beautiful, intelligent woman who I genuinely want to befriend (and more…), and with whom I feel absolutely zero competition. That he takes joy in talking with her takes nothing from me. We both have something to offer him, much of which overlaps, much of which doesn’t, and his time with her is time I can and do spend doing other things. It takes nothing from me or from us.
There’s an odd comfort in that. I remember the first time worrying that it meant I didn’t love my ex enough. Isn’t that the opposite of what we’re taught that love looks like? Isn’t love shown to us as desperate possession of the person’s entire attention? That they’re so consumed with us that they have no eyes, no time, no room for someone else? That’s what Hollywood told me. But as I worked through that – which literally took days if not weeks – I realized that I actually think that portrait of love is pretty unhealthy.
Is it fair to ask one person to supply all of our emotional/physical/spiritual/mental needs? Maybe. Personally, I think probably not. That’s why we have friends. That’s why we have jobs (well… that and capitalism). Those things stimulate us in ways different to what we get at home. Even if our partner does fill all of those needs completely, and is able, willing, and happy to do so, is there not still a gulf between that and possessiveness? Is there not a danger in love so consuming that you aren’t supposed to ever derive joy anywhere else?
To be quite clear, I’m not saying that monogamous relationships are toxic or that wanting to be in one makes you possessive and dangerous. At all.
What I am saying is that I think, like so many other things in life, there is a spectrum. Some of us are happy for our partners to derive joy from hobbies, friends, man caves and girls’ weekends. Some of us like seeing our partners excel at competitive sports, support their efforts at a talent or a craft, or go with them to classes just to learn together. Most of us are okay seeing our partner get their happiness from other people in group settings, or even one on one, already. The difference is that I’m also happy for my partner if that comes with implicit or explicit sexual overtones. So while at first glance the gulf might seem quite wide, I think in fact it’s a line which most of us toe right up to without ever seeing it. Some of us are okay stepping over. Other’s aren’t. And that’s okay.
If I seem to experience it relatively easy, why do I hate the word “compersion” so much? Because it’s weaponized. If you stick around, you’re going to see that a lot of my word choice comes from the weaponization of words within the poly community of which I was a part. In that community, if you experienced anything other than 100% pure bliss at your partner experiencing sexual or other pleasure at another person’s hands, you were a bad person.
And I want to be clear about something: as easily as I feel happy when my husband is enjoying time with another woman, that does not mean that EVERYTHING I feel is happy. There are complex emotions. There are days I don’t feel good about myself, so when a smoke show is making my husband grin, that can prickle sometimes. Every now and again, even though I cognitively don’t feel competitive with most women, jealousy rears up its ugly head and says “Okay, but what if he falls in love with her?” There is no perfect compersion, I think. It is okay to have moments of less than perfectly joyful feelings when thinking about your partner being intimate with other people. However, in my experience, a lot of poly communities suggest that anything less than perfect compersion means you’re not ready for the lifestyle. You’re a bad person for occasionally having doubts. So the word becomes a tool by which people judge others outwardly, even if they experience the same things inwardly.
ALL THIS TO SAY: ethical non-monogamy is almost inherently going to raise complex emotions. What feels safe and okay one day might, the next day, put your hackles up a bit. That is allowed. That is normal. If Tuesday the grin on your spouse’s face when someone else’s text arrives doesn’t feel as good as it did on Monday, that doesn’t mean you have to scrap the entire idea of ENM. It just means you’re human. It just means that sometimes emotions are fucky. As long as you talk with your partner(s) about it, as indicated, you’re gonna be fine. What we’re not gonna do is let perfect get in the way of really, really good.